Social media rules for 2022

Last week, Facebook’s stock plunged 26%, obliterating more than $230 billion in market value in a single day. People are jumping ship and I couldn’t be happier. That’s what they get for all the trouble they’ve caused.

I hate that I have Facebook. It’s sole purpose anymore is to show the world I’m not a serial killer. In fact, many real serial killers are likely freaked out at how swiftly these cold cases are getting solved on TikTok. We used to hunt murderers for months or years in this country, now they’re lucky if they get out of the county. And I sure as hell won’t be spending my free time in Mark Zuckerberg’s Meta-verse.

I was there from the start, back when Facebook was a baby. Only college students could get in that club and the place was bumping, that is, until our parents showed up.

It wasn’t until after college that I saw the raw power of social media. Back then these platforms had zero checks and balances. It was the Wild West of whatever you wanted to say. I knew a guy who for six months pretended to be another guy on Facebook and confessed to being a pedophile to all who accepted his phony friend requests. Easily one of my earliest memories that taught me the importance of claiming my online identity.

Nothing gives me more anxiety than seeing what some choose to post online. Saying stupid stuff on Twitter is like getting a bad tattoo on your back. You forget all about it until some jerk brings it up when you’re having a good day because he knows it’ll irritate you. Twitter is for engaging with like-minded individuals. If you’re into knitting, you can find a skein of knitters without leaving the comfort of your home (I bet you didn’t know a group of knitters was called a skein). The same goes for nearly every other hobby. For many introverts, social media can be a gift.

The myth is that you have to be friends with everyone you know. Instagram and Facebook are the first things people look up after they meet you. It’s your background check, not a popularity contest. You can’t have crazy people picking fights with you about Ukraine. If you get put in Facebook jail for any reason, you’re doing it wrong. Your freedoms are not being suppressed, you’re just using this platform in a way it wasn’t intended.

The truth is we need social media now more than ever because the world is dangerous. I’m not signing my kid up for the Boy Scouts. More families stay home now because parents can’t pawn off parenting to clubs and organizations like they did when I was growing up and this is our vetting process. It’s not perfect but it’s better than nothing.

So let’s recap the new social media rules for 2022. Facebook and Instagram are your background checks and for buying and selling stuff you don’t need. Twitter is for having conversations with people of similar interests. Snapchat is for sending illicit photos that disappear. It’s important not to confuse Snapchat with other forms of social media. TikTok is for solving cold case murders and Youtube is for learning basic life skills our parents neglected to teach us.

It’s important we get on the same page before this next presidential cycle heats up to avert a repeat of last time.

American television icon and host of Wheel of Fortune Pat Sajak summed it up best in a recent tweet: “One thing you notice when you put Twitter aside for a while and spend your time in real life, is that those things you thought everyone was talking about almost no one is talking about.” 

In the event Pat and I are wrong and social media is for screaming in ALL CAPS TO STRANGERS ABOUT ISSUES THAT DON’T AFFECT ANY OF OUR LIVES, then find me the nearest lifeboat, I’ll see the rest of you on shore.

Nick Kurtz is a Storm Lake native and actor living in Los Angeles.