Always have a diaper handy

BY JOHN CRAMPTON

One of THE worst ways to be awakned at 3:30 a.m.:

“JOHN!! [very strong and aggressive push from wife] There’s a bat!”

This happened simultaneously, with me standing at attention at the side of bed like I was back in boot camp. It’s funny how your body responds faster then your brain. Well done, Coast Guard … this is apparently my body’s go-to reaction to being abruptly woken up. To stand like a 2X4, erect, and motionless next to bed. 

And as I stood at the side of my bed, brain trying to make sense of the situation at hand, a giant pterodactyl-size bat swooped by my head.

“WHAT THE?!” my brain says to itself as a rush of adrenaline surges through my body to energize my muscles and conscious state.

I struggle to find my footing as I try to cover my son who is now awake in the lounge chair next to our bed. He however, is clueless to the situation. Only reacting to me, his father, who appears frantic and confused (I mean. I was confident and strong; cough). My wife already in full defensive coverage under the blanket with daughter.

My eyes were the last to come-to as the early-morning-sudden-wake-up failed to clear the sleep out of them.

Pillow in hand, lamp on, vision at approx 20-400 (far from 20-20), I begin to swing to bring down the beast that threatens my family.

Swing and a miss. Swing and a miss. Swing and a fall. The beast is proving to be a valiant foe. Yelling is happening: from my wife under the blankets for updates, from my son in fear. But mostly ... from this guy, the Thor-like figure in a battle between man and beast.

I swing my hammer (a cheap pillow) once more to bring this battle to an end.

The timing was perfect. The hammer met head-on with its giant wing span.

The beast was now unconscious. The family was evacuated to safety. Now, where exactly did he go?

A brief, and arguably more stressful than the battle itself, hunt. He was found. There he is, asleep. With shield in hand, a protective and highly absorbent shield I might add. (A diaper. I had a diaper in my hand.) I moved in to pick up the fanged monster. He was captured and removed from my home.

The ordeal is over. Whew.

Still not sure how a pterodactyl can fit into a size five diaper? 12-hour protection? More like Jurassic Protection. I could have used one myself actually.

That, my friends, is how you do NOT want to wake up at 3:30 a.m.

Now my hip hurts and I need to call my favorite animal Uber David Sanders, aka the Batman, to ensure this was an anomaly.

If you need me, I’ll be downstairs on the couch with my fam.